A Skit about School Essays

My blog for this week is on the notion of abstract comedy. This involves an interplay within the story-line, hidden meanings and imagined mannerisms of the characters. The example given is from my book, “Short Comedy Routines for Novices” (available from Amazon and Kindle). The book contains 46 skits for young comedians, to practice delivery, timing and facial expressions – in a setting with minimal props.

The example is generally part of the continuous banter which occurs throughout a typical half-hour comedy series.

Uncle BOB

Well, here is something a little different – seeing as it is nearly Christmas, with parties and get-togethers. Have you noticed there is always an Uncle Bob – the older, sleazy, sozzled individual who thinks they are funny and incredibly attractive.

This piece is one of the skits in my book “Short Comedy Routines for Beginners” – available at Amazon Books.

Uncle Bob

OPENING SCENE:

(Christmas party noise and music)

Silly and slightly inebriated Uncle Bob is lurching around at the large family Christmas gathering, and starts talking to a bored young woman who is stuck on the same table.

Uncle Bob

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with R . . . hmmmm?

Cathy

Right then . . . (sighs) . . . is it the radio?

Uncle Bob

Not even close.

Cathy

Red thingy over there . . . uh, the robot or rattle . . . radiator, razor, remote, rhinoceros, rabid dog, or that handy rectangular nut-cracker?

Uncle Bob

Nope. See that action figure over there with the sword, hat and hook-arm?

Cathy

What? That bloody pirate! . . . That begins with a P.

Uncle Bob elbows her in the arm, gets too close for words and winks.

Uncle Bob

A pirate always begins with “Arrrrrrrrr”

Cathy closes her eyes and mutters obscenities under her breath when she suddenly sees her dizzy friend Susan.

Cathy

Susan! Come and sit here Susan and listen to this fascinating man’s party jokes.  He’ll blow your mind.

Cathy runs off to be violently sick in the toilet

Susan

I’m having a super time at this party!

Uncle Bob sidles up to her real close and winks.

Uncle Bob

Hey there. I’ve got something for you. The name’s Bob . . . as in Bob–a-Job.

Susan immediately realizes that she has just met another sleazy drunk, but too late.

Uncle Bob

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with R . . . hmmmm?

Susan closes her eyes and mutters obscenities under her breath at Cathy and decides to terminate him.

Susan

If the answer is Pirate, I’m going to have to kill you by inserting that pirate, sword first in a very slow and distressing manner.

Uncle Bob straightens up – but soon has another attempt, and leans over her.

Uncle Bob

Arrrrrr . . . well it begins with A then.  I see you’ve played this before.

Susan

Aorta, broken Arm, Art attack . . . Axe murderer?

Uncle Bob

No, but very funny indeed.  It is that Scotsman over there.  They always begin with “Ayyyyyyyy”.  Heh Heh.

Not a word was said, but Uncle Bob was in shock for the next half hour after being king-hit in the nether regions.

THE END

Note: I promise you, the other skits are actually funny – and a lot longer. Designed for the young stand-up comedian to develop routines and audience participation.

Comedy Routine – THE NEWS – (staff revenge)

OPENING SCENE:

(Squeaky talking and chirping noises in background)

Roger (radio producer) enters into broadcast area and seeks information from Paul (off-air presenter).

ROGER

What’s all that noise in the background?

PAUL

What noise?

ROGER

All that chirping noise . . . listen . . . there it goes again.

PAUL

Oh that’s the News Roger . . . the afternoon news.

ROGER

The News. Good heavens . . . why does it sound like little munchkins having a tea party . . . and . . . it’s not going to air . . . surely not?

PAUL

Oh it’s live alright. I’m not too keen on it myself . . . but you did give it the go ahead.

ROGER

When and why would I agree to have that chirping and whistling going to air instead of the normal News program with Linda and her team?

PAUL

That is Linda. You told her not to read the News on air ever again . . . and fired her!

ROGER

Yes . . . yes I remember now  . . . so why is she still here then . . . and reading the News in that peculiar way like that and disturbing my listeners . . . and advertising executives! Stop it immediately!

PAUL

Well she’s not reading the News on air today . . . she went and got some Helium, took a few deep breaths and is now reading the News on Helium instead.

ROGER

You’re ALL fired!

PAUL

Impossible me old gaffer!

ROGER

And why’s that!

PAUL

We all quit this morning to work for another station . . . tarah then! Come on Linda . . . let’s leave old grumpy here and start working for a real radio station.

(Motions to Linda to stop broadcasting and to leave the station)

THE END

(from my book “Short Comedy Routines for Novices” – available Amazon and Kindle)

Example of a Comedy Script

Cool Cat” – (c) Stefan Nicholson 2015 Tasmania

OPENING SCENE:

(James is playing “Clair de Lune” on piano which has a bust of Debussy on top – His cat is sitting next to the bust)

Eric who is not very sharp, enters the room and looks unaware of his environment and has a blank look.

Eric

Wow man . . . who wrote that cool music? . . . It’s all floaty and surreal man.

James

(Points to the composer’s bust on piano, next to the cat)

Debussy. Yeah it sounds like some random falling of leaves on a winter’s night.

Eric

(looking at the cat which stretches out its paws)

Are you messing with me man. Is that the dude?

James

No kidding man . . . Claude Debussy. A French composer, who wrote it one night while looking at the moon.

Eric

(looking at the cat and talking slowly)

Well done Claude, that is a very nice piece of music . . . if you understand English man.

James

Good grief Eric . . . I was pointing at the composer’s bust.

Eric

Wow, sorry man for missing the clue.  So sorry Claudette, for making a huge mistake with the boobs and all.

(James crashes his head into the keyboard and bangs his hands up and down on the keys)

Eric

Wow man . . . is that another one of the pussy’s compositions?

James

Are you planning to have children in the future Eric . . . because they would probably smother you while you were sleeping, around the age of three when they would surely realise that cats DO NOT compose music!

Eric

But what about . . . ?

James

Don’t you ever mention “Cats” the musical in front of my cat . . . you may give it grandiose ideas.

THE END

Never, Ever, Ever, Ever Ending Story

Well . . . here is a story line that has me thinking . . . but obviously not too deeply.

Hmmmmm, Canterbury Tales meets 60 Minutes.
What if people cared enough about fixing things?
What if we could actually get along with each other and just trade our goods for mutual benefit?

How would I start? How would it end – before the over-prescribed medications kick in?

Why am I asking you?

It was a dark and stormy night alright – the power grid was down again and the writer’s tummy was rumbling for lack of food. Woolies and Coles had sold out, to Amazon.

“The Economy doesn’t bloody work!!” shouted the inebriated economist who could not pay for the next round of drinks, or get up from the floor.

“Sit ordinary people down with a beer and a few slices of pizza and they will tell you how to fix the economy, the health system and the education system, where kids can’t read and write after 10 years in ‘school’. Academics, politicians and business executives who are in economics should be exported as burly for fishing,” replied the once-rich cray fisherman, now selling seagull poo to the social elite as ‘White Gold’.

“Many of our problems can be fixed quickly, efficiently and without bias. We need to stimulate the economy by getting manufacturing going locally, instead of importing goods. A business that buys goods, orders them on demand from overseas, and sells them at a higher price as sole agent is a sham, if those goods can be made here,” added the tradie, wearing his hi-vis shirt, to prove he has a job.

“We give away our land, water, minerals and profitable businesses for a song and then work for foreign companies. Those in the know sell their assets and shares, just before they drop in value, readying themselves to buy again, at the bottom of the abyss. Insider trading is rife,” screamed the passing ten year-old girl in tears, making her way to the scrolling, red-lined computer display.

Dan, the independent member for Stupor was becoming fidgety, and started to rave on as usual about all the things that he could change, if only someone would let him into a major political party.

“The multinationals take our natural resources and pay little or no tax. The media giants try to dumb us down, uninformed with biased news, and bombard us with their advertising and fake business articles. The inequity between government and private schools is another rort. Health, education and policing, should be uniform across all of Australia. We are over-governed by states and councils, overwhelmed by their administrative avalanche of paperwork and red-tape. Make television programs for normal, sane people (not cheap rubbish to meet the 10% local content rule). Stop splintering up major mental and social problems into narrow help-groups, creating more administration and less ‘clout’ for lobbying our politicians to act. With mental problems on the rise, it seems incredibly uncaring to keep closing down formal government assisted services.”

All the people at the bar looked around at once. Dan’s trousers had fallen down as a metaphor for the economy. It was deathly silent (trousers can’t talk without A.I.). There was no one left to say anything . . . . .

The observing writer took his cue to end the rambling story. It had run its course and had died.

“And so, we all lived happily ever after . . . abandoning all hope for the future. We then decided to seek out a meeting place where we could think quietly,” he raced off confidently.

Thank God there were churches for sale, and the flock had gone to greener pastures. Dan now wants to be an angel. I bet there’s money in that caper. Bloody economy!

After-thought . . .
If even one political party had policies for addressing all the problems of today, we may have a chance to get people interested in helping to solve them. But we don’t. They are only self-serving to their own interests . . . and to ensure they get re-elected every 3 years. We don’t have a 5 year plan, never mind a 10 year plan. Your children will grow up with today’s values. They can’t survive with that!!