Family

Three Doctors

/ Stefan Nicholson / 1 Comment

Location: Surgery Reception

Irish nurse/receptionist explaining about the three doctors.

RECEPTIONIST

Oh, come and sit down over here and tell me all about your problems and your name.

MR. SMOGGINS

I’m poor, I’m hungry, I’m soaking wet, I’m Jim Smoggins and I have a big pain up my backside.

RECEPTIONIST

And I thought there was going to be something more seriously wrong with you than that, what with the way you were dragging yourself in here, and with all the moaning.

MR. SMOGGINS

Oh . . . I feel much better now. Must be the sympathy and your bedside manner that did the trick. I could have got that from my computer, but the bloody mouse doesn’t work.

RECEPTIONIST

Did you turn your mouse on?

MR. SMOGGINS

No. It was too tired after going around its treadmill all day.

RECEPTIONIST

Really Mr Smoggins I have no time for jokes today. The doctors are flat out busy

MR. SMOGGINS

What sort of doctors are they then?

RECEPTIONIST

We have three doctors on today. I call them the little doctor, the medium doctor, and the big doctor.

MR. SMOGGINS

Why is that?

RECEPTIONIST

Well, firstly the wee doctor is the urologist. Secondly, the medium doctor is the psychic psychologist. Thirdly, the big doctor is the GP who will look at your bottom – all day if needs be. He needs the money.

MR. SMOGGINS

I’ll take de turd doctor then. He sounds like what I need.

RECEPTIONIST

Right then, get yourself behind that screen and take your trousers off. Then get up on the bed and lie down on your stomach.

MR. SMOGGINS

Blimey, how much is this going to cost? I wanted to see the doctor.

Doctor Robert See enters the room, shouting out to him.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Mr Smoggins is that you at the other end of this bottom?

MR. SMOGGINS

Yes, it is and I’m in a lot of pain.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

I’m Doctor Robert See, a GP who specialises in all the common and general diseases and accidents that may happen at home or work. I hear that you are a bit of a joker, yes?

MR. SMOGGINS

Robert See? You do know that becomes ‘Arsey’ in a name list don’t you?

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Yes Mr Smoggins. All through my life I have been told this. Although as a doctor, I can now get my own back on smart quips like that.

MR. SMOGGINS

Well, I was only saying, you know. So, can you fix my bum?

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

That all depends on what went in there and from which way did it enter. I mean waste and disease may exist from within . . . however, inserting of the foreign articles into the bottom may also be a clue.

MR. SMOGGINS

Well yes, you’re right doctor and it may perhaps be a good time to tell you quietly that I sat on a toy giraffe whilst I was entertaining guests at my house.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Ah yes, entertaining with such a giraffe would cause much pain, I’m sure. And was it a motorised giraffe or just the usual giraffe?

MR. SMOGGINS

Now look here doctor, I’m not one of those people who engage in that sort of activity. I just sat down on the toy giraffe which was wedged in between two settee cushions next to our cat.

The doctor thinks about the situation at hand.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Maybe I should send you for a cat scan first . . . just in case it was the cat that you sat on. Now that would truly be a CAT-ARSE-TROPHY.

The doctor laughs hysterically. Smoggins sighs and realises that he can’t afford to be rude anymore.

THE END

NOTES:

“THREE DOCTORS” is one of the skits from my book: “SHORT COMEDY ROUTINES FOR NOVICES” – which is available on AMAZON BOOKS and KINDLE and GOOGLE PLAY BOOKS.

Uncle BOB

/ Stefan Nicholson

Well, here is something a little different – seeing as it is nearly Christmas, with parties and get-togethers. Have you noticed there is always an Uncle Bob – the older, sleazy, sozzled individual who thinks they are funny and incredibly attractive.

This piece is one of the skits in my book “Short Comedy Routines for Beginners” – available at Amazon Books.

Uncle Bob

OPENING SCENE:

(Christmas party noise and music)

Silly and slightly inebriated Uncle Bob is lurching around at the large family Christmas gathering, and starts talking to a bored young woman who is stuck on the same table.

Uncle Bob

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with R . . . hmmmm?

Cathy

Right then . . . (sighs) . . . is it the radio?

Uncle Bob

Not even close.

Cathy

Red thingy over there . . . uh, the robot or rattle . . . radiator, razor, remote, rhinoceros, rabid dog, or that handy rectangular nut-cracker?

Uncle Bob

Nope. See that action figure over there with the sword, hat and hook-arm?

Cathy

What? That bloody pirate! . . . That begins with a P.

Uncle Bob elbows her in the arm, gets too close for words and winks.

Uncle Bob

A pirate always begins with “Arrrrrrrrr”

Cathy closes her eyes and mutters obscenities under her breath when she suddenly sees her dizzy friend Susan.

Cathy

Susan! Come and sit here Susan and listen to this fascinating man’s party jokes.  He’ll blow your mind.

Cathy runs off to be violently sick in the toilet

Susan

I’m having a super time at this party!

Uncle Bob sidles up to her real close and winks.

Uncle Bob

Hey there. I’ve got something for you. The name’s Bob . . . as in Bob–a-Job.

Susan immediately realizes that she has just met another sleazy drunk, but too late.

Uncle Bob

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with R . . . hmmmm?

Susan closes her eyes and mutters obscenities under her breath at Cathy and decides to terminate him.

Susan

If the answer is Pirate, I’m going to have to kill you by inserting that pirate, sword first in a very slow and distressing manner.

Uncle Bob straightens up – but soon has another attempt, and leans over her.

Uncle Bob

Arrrrrr . . . well it begins with A then.  I see you’ve played this before.

Susan

Aorta, broken Arm, Art attack . . . Axe murderer?

Uncle Bob

No, but very funny indeed.  It is that Scotsman over there.  They always begin with “Ayyyyyyyy”.  Heh Heh.

Not a word was said, but Uncle Bob was in shock for the next half hour after being king-hit in the nether regions.

THE END

Note: I promise you, the other skits are actually funny – and a lot longer. Designed for the young stand-up comedian to develop routines and audience participation.

Does The Shoe Fit?

/ Stefan Nicholson

Identity is the individuality of a person – their self, and their uniqueness.  Their uniqueness is displayed to the external world through personality, character, and specifications as if choosing from a list of attributes. 

A photograph identifies a person based on physical attributes.  We can also identify people by the sound of their voices, by tell-tale gestures and mannerisms, and sometimes by how others describe them. 

A writer may be identified by their style of writing, and what they write about.

Identification seems to work the other way around.  We ask what sort of person would have certain attributes.  We erroneously assume that all people with those attributes, act and think the same. Identification is the cataloguing of attributes, to act as a filter for our human necessity for labeling.  We seem to label everything, in a desire to understand the whole, while ignoring the individual. We determine what sort of writer would write about certain topics – by apparent attributes but not by knowing their real persona.

As an example of identification: When I was driving a maxi-taxi, people often slotted me into that one role. When I was in recruitment, job applicants with multiple skills would be labelled and filed away with one job specification, instead of the multiple skills and previous varied jobs and study.

So, what is more important – and for whom? 

For a non-fiction writer: Identification is equally as important as the identity of the author.  Do they qualify for expertise in research and analysing scenarios of events that happened?  Do they have inside information as to what it is like to belong and have identification for belief? Have they presented the “facts” without bias or imagination?

In writing fiction: Well, anything is possible, and even wrong facts may actually be a twist on the real thing. Imagining what the writer is like in person is sometimes impossible. This is the nature of creative writing. Imagination is the key ingredient for creating a tantalising plot.

Personally, as a writer, I would just like to be identified as having the right skills for the work I do. My identity is my persona – my identification merely a catalogue of my belongings and the labels that people assume to fit, based on my attributes.

Also, we do not often wonder about the writer’s life when reading their book. When we read, we become the writer, within our imagination and feelings, with all our positive and negative interpretations of the original writer’s work and its many possible meanings.

Two opposite sayings indicate how identification can be misleading and coerced by myth:

  • “Don’t judge a book by its cover”; and
  • “Birds of a feather flock together”.

To finish, with another saying:

  • “To really understand someone, just walk a mile in their shoes”.