fun

Three Doctors

/ Stefan Nicholson / 1 Comment

Location: Surgery Reception

Irish nurse/receptionist explaining about the three doctors.

RECEPTIONIST

Oh, come and sit down over here and tell me all about your problems and your name.

MR. SMOGGINS

I’m poor, I’m hungry, I’m soaking wet, I’m Jim Smoggins and I have a big pain up my backside.

RECEPTIONIST

And I thought there was going to be something more seriously wrong with you than that, what with the way you were dragging yourself in here, and with all the moaning.

MR. SMOGGINS

Oh . . . I feel much better now. Must be the sympathy and your bedside manner that did the trick. I could have got that from my computer, but the bloody mouse doesn’t work.

RECEPTIONIST

Did you turn your mouse on?

MR. SMOGGINS

No. It was too tired after going around its treadmill all day.

RECEPTIONIST

Really Mr Smoggins I have no time for jokes today. The doctors are flat out busy

MR. SMOGGINS

What sort of doctors are they then?

RECEPTIONIST

We have three doctors on today. I call them the little doctor, the medium doctor, and the big doctor.

MR. SMOGGINS

Why is that?

RECEPTIONIST

Well, firstly the wee doctor is the urologist. Secondly, the medium doctor is the psychic psychologist. Thirdly, the big doctor is the GP who will look at your bottom – all day if needs be. He needs the money.

MR. SMOGGINS

I’ll take de turd doctor then. He sounds like what I need.

RECEPTIONIST

Right then, get yourself behind that screen and take your trousers off. Then get up on the bed and lie down on your stomach.

MR. SMOGGINS

Blimey, how much is this going to cost? I wanted to see the doctor.

Doctor Robert See enters the room, shouting out to him.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Mr Smoggins is that you at the other end of this bottom?

MR. SMOGGINS

Yes, it is and I’m in a lot of pain.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

I’m Doctor Robert See, a GP who specialises in all the common and general diseases and accidents that may happen at home or work. I hear that you are a bit of a joker, yes?

MR. SMOGGINS

Robert See? You do know that becomes ‘Arsey’ in a name list don’t you?

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Yes Mr Smoggins. All through my life I have been told this. Although as a doctor, I can now get my own back on smart quips like that.

MR. SMOGGINS

Well, I was only saying, you know. So, can you fix my bum?

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

That all depends on what went in there and from which way did it enter. I mean waste and disease may exist from within . . . however, inserting of the foreign articles into the bottom may also be a clue.

MR. SMOGGINS

Well yes, you’re right doctor and it may perhaps be a good time to tell you quietly that I sat on a toy giraffe whilst I was entertaining guests at my house.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Ah yes, entertaining with such a giraffe would cause much pain, I’m sure. And was it a motorised giraffe or just the usual giraffe?

MR. SMOGGINS

Now look here doctor, I’m not one of those people who engage in that sort of activity. I just sat down on the toy giraffe which was wedged in between two settee cushions next to our cat.

The doctor thinks about the situation at hand.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Maybe I should send you for a cat scan first . . . just in case it was the cat that you sat on. Now that would truly be a CAT-ARSE-TROPHY.

The doctor laughs hysterically. Smoggins sighs and realises that he can’t afford to be rude anymore.

THE END

NOTES:

“THREE DOCTORS” is one of the skits from my book: “SHORT COMEDY ROUTINES FOR NOVICES” – which is available on AMAZON BOOKS and KINDLE and GOOGLE PLAY BOOKS.

Alfred’s Holiday

/ Stefan Nicholson / 1 Comment

Picture the tranquil scene of peace and quiet, as English tourist Alfred, goes to bed on his yacht, at a foreign marina.

At 6am in the morning, Alfred wakes up to absolute silence and closes his eyes again. Immediately there is a cacophony of loud noises.

Everyone is using power drills, saws, hammers, sanders and they are all shouting and yelling. Other boats go by, leaving waves of swell which hit his boat, splashing water all around, making the boat rock and swirl violently.

Everywhere he looks, people are laughing at him, waving their arms, jeering and shouting rude remarks in foreign languages.

Alfred has a quick look around, smiles . . . and goes below.

The sound of pots and pans, and a swirl of thick pungent smoke is noticed by all those around the boat. He secretly tosses ‘certain items’ into the water, which appear to swell up and float into the path of the oncoming boats.

A terrible smell emanates from the boat as Alfred surfaces, wearing a clothes-peg on his nose. A flag made from underwear is raised. A salute is made.

The oncoming boats suck up the Yorkshire Pudding into their intake pipes, overheating their engines. They career into other boats, knocking workmen off their ladders and ropes. 

The smell alone, makes the people on their boats and on the jetty, dive or fall into the water, making workmen dizzy and sick. There is a mass exodus of cars leaving the marina.

All is quiet once more. 

Alfred removes the clothes peg and smells the smouldering line of well-done English pork sausages on his skewer.

A surviving woman on a nearby boat, angrily throws a hard bread stick at him in defiance, but he casually hits it back . . . with a tennis racquet.

He calls out to her, mimicking her strange accent”

“You ‘av a nice big shiny bot”.

He then places three big, fat, charred sausages into the water, which float past her boat.

Blowing up a balloon and letting out the air slowly . . . and noisily, he calls out again:

“Theez eez from ma sheeeep!”

She faints.

He smiles.

(c) Stefan Nicholson – “Twelve Selected Short Stories” – Amazon Books

Notes: I thought a bit of comedy would help you to remember – “Stay your ground – Make a Sound”

All my books are available on Amazon and Kindle – just search for my name. Your purchase will be greatly appreciated and enable me to write more books. My new book coming out in April will be titled “The Jack Code” a sci-fi about AI (with a bit of comedy, tragedy, love and hope).

A Skit about School Essays

/ Stefan Nicholson

My blog for this week is on the notion of abstract comedy. This involves an interplay within the story-line, hidden meanings and imagined mannerisms of the characters. The example given is from my book, “Short Comedy Routines for Novices” (available from Amazon and Kindle). The book contains 46 skits for young comedians, to practice delivery, timing and facial expressions – in a setting with minimal props.

The example is generally part of the continuous banter which occurs throughout a typical half-hour comedy series.

Comedy Routine – THE NEWS – (staff revenge)

/ Stefan Nicholson

OPENING SCENE:

(Squeaky talking and chirping noises in background)

Roger (radio producer) enters into broadcast area and seeks information from Paul (off-air presenter).

ROGER

What’s all that noise in the background?

PAUL

What noise?

ROGER

All that chirping noise . . . listen . . . there it goes again.

PAUL

Oh that’s the News Roger . . . the afternoon news.

ROGER

The News. Good heavens . . . why does it sound like little munchkins having a tea party . . . and . . . it’s not going to air . . . surely not?

PAUL

Oh it’s live alright. I’m not too keen on it myself . . . but you did give it the go ahead.

ROGER

When and why would I agree to have that chirping and whistling going to air instead of the normal News program with Linda and her team?

PAUL

That is Linda. You told her not to read the News on air ever again . . . and fired her!

ROGER

Yes . . . yes I remember now  . . . so why is she still here then . . . and reading the News in that peculiar way like that and disturbing my listeners . . . and advertising executives! Stop it immediately!

PAUL

Well she’s not reading the News on air today . . . she went and got some Helium, took a few deep breaths and is now reading the News on Helium instead.

ROGER

You’re ALL fired!

PAUL

Impossible me old gaffer!

ROGER

And why’s that!

PAUL

We all quit this morning to work for another station . . . tarah then! Come on Linda . . . let’s leave old grumpy here and start working for a real radio station.

(Motions to Linda to stop broadcasting and to leave the station)

THE END

(from my book “Short Comedy Routines for Novices” – available Amazon and Kindle)