Location: Surgery Reception

Irish nurse/receptionist explaining about the three doctors.

RECEPTIONIST

Oh, come and sit down over here and tell me all about your problems and your name.

MR. SMOGGINS

I’m poor, I’m hungry, I’m soaking wet, I’m Jim Smoggins and I have a big pain up my backside.

RECEPTIONIST

And I thought there was going to be something more seriously wrong with you than that, what with the way you were dragging yourself in here, and with all the moaning.

MR. SMOGGINS

Oh . . . I feel much better now. Must be the sympathy and your bedside manner that did the trick. I could have got that from my computer, but the bloody mouse doesn’t work.

RECEPTIONIST

Did you turn your mouse on?

MR. SMOGGINS

No. It was too tired after going around its treadmill all day.

RECEPTIONIST

Really Mr Smoggins I have no time for jokes today. The doctors are flat out busy

MR. SMOGGINS

What sort of doctors are they then?

RECEPTIONIST

We have three doctors on today. I call them the little doctor, the medium doctor, and the big doctor.

MR. SMOGGINS

Why is that?

RECEPTIONIST

Well, firstly the wee doctor is the urologist. Secondly, the medium doctor is the psychic psychologist. Thirdly, the big doctor is the GP who will look at your bottom – all day if needs be. He needs the money.

MR. SMOGGINS

I’ll take de turd doctor then. He sounds like what I need.

RECEPTIONIST

Right then, get yourself behind that screen and take your trousers off. Then get up on the bed and lie down on your stomach.

MR. SMOGGINS

Blimey, how much is this going to cost? I wanted to see the doctor.

Doctor Robert See enters the room, shouting out to him.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Mr Smoggins is that you at the other end of this bottom?

MR. SMOGGINS

Yes, it is and I’m in a lot of pain.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

I’m Doctor Robert See, a GP who specialises in all the common and general diseases and accidents that may happen at home or work. I hear that you are a bit of a joker, yes?

MR. SMOGGINS

Robert See? You do know that becomes ‘Arsey’ in a name list don’t you?

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Yes Mr Smoggins. All through my life I have been told this. Although as a doctor, I can now get my own back on smart quips like that.

MR. SMOGGINS

Well, I was only saying, you know. So, can you fix my bum?

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

That all depends on what went in there and from which way did it enter. I mean waste and disease may exist from within . . . however, inserting of the foreign articles into the bottom may also be a clue.

MR. SMOGGINS

Well yes, you’re right doctor and it may perhaps be a good time to tell you quietly that I sat on a toy giraffe whilst I was entertaining guests at my house.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Ah yes, entertaining with such a giraffe would cause much pain, I’m sure. And was it a motorised giraffe or just the usual giraffe?

MR. SMOGGINS

Now look here doctor, I’m not one of those people who engage in that sort of activity. I just sat down on the toy giraffe which was wedged in between two settee cushions next to our cat.

The doctor thinks about the situation at hand.

DOCTOR ROBERT SEE

Maybe I should send you for a cat scan first . . . just in case it was the cat that you sat on. Now that would truly be a CAT-ARSE-TROPHY.

The doctor laughs hysterically. Smoggins sighs and realises that he can’t afford to be rude anymore.

THE END

NOTES:

“THREE DOCTORS” is one of the skits from my book: “SHORT COMEDY ROUTINES FOR NOVICES” – which is available on AMAZON BOOKS and KINDLE.